Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
