I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
