New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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