Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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