That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
