Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
