6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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