I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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