Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
