The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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