I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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