i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
whose parrot is this?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
