I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Randomize
