so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Non-Jews are for practice
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
