This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
