pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
