careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
