I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
