Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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