Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
