I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
