it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
