At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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