Don't make out with my wife yet
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
