Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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