I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
