did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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