Swine flu. Run for my life!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
