Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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