He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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