i always forget guys have bellybuttons
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
