i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
