Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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