i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
