i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
