Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
