I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
