Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
