That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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