in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
