Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
