At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
