i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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