I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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