Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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