that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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