Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
