That's when you crack a 10am beer
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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