Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
sex in a hospital.. check
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
