I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
