I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
