I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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